Official I started last week, but I'm starting a new book "Fat be gone" It is more about the mental side of losing weight. How we talk to ourselves, how to stay motivated and relieve stress. The first journal entry is what this particle journey means and why I want to take it.
I have struggled with my weight since I was a teen. Up down, more up, kids, up, up and up. I lost about 40 pounds 4 years ago. Then my life got crazy. I had many things that cause lots of stress in my life. I was heavily into boy scouts, on both the local and district level, home schooling 3 kids and having a teen that I thought would go to high school but decided to stay home. I made many mistakes and really beat myself up for all the things I think i failed at. Needless to say I gained all my weight back and topped out at an all time high of 268.00.
Over the last year I have dealt with my failures. The biggest one is that I felt I failed my daughter with keeping her at home for High School,even though it was her choice. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have and being pulled between her younger brothers and her they normally won. It was a very hard time for her and I'm deeply sorry that caused her pain. Mother guilt is the worst. The best part is I have a wonderful bright daughter that is making her way. It might take a while to get where she wants but she is happy. Secertly if she lives with us forever I don't mind...lol. Cubscouts, my commitments for them are done. (sigh of relief) My oldest has moved onto boy scouts and my youngest will in the fall. I do plan to be part of the troop but not nearly in the same way, and stress will be more of enjoyment then anxiety. Homeschooling was another stresser. Both boys will be going to public school in the fall. I'm scared but excited. I know this will be best for them and for myself. My oldest son and I have been fighting so much, it has just been awful. He needs me to just be his loving mother. I'm working part-time and this also help with keeping me busy along with help out a little with bills. I'm very very blessed that my hubby makes a good living and provides everything that we need and more then a little extra wants.
On to why this journey. Even though I am heavy I have been lucky to not suffer from, diabetes, high blood pressure, or high cholesterol. I can't do everything I want to though. Like riding rides at parks. I just don't fit. Which is mortifying for me and disappointing for my kids when I can't do stuff with them. Both boys are scouts. I want to do stuff with the troop. Go camping, go on hikes, go to summer camp. I am to heavy to really enjoy these activities at this time. My weight is holding me back from living the life that I want to live. I worry that my health has been good for this long but how long will that last. I need to be proactive about it. Plus I have to say I would like to be a hot grandma...lol. I'm not a hugely vain person but I love my hubby and even though he desire me I want to feel like I deserve it. Like I have work to keeping myself looking good for both him and myself. Don't get me wrong my husband is the most wonderful man and loves me just as I am. But I want to be better for him. So there you go. Blog one done!
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